I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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