I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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