Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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