Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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