Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
