Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
