...so i touched it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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