Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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