I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize