It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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