on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
