Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
