everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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