if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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