your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
