she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
