They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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