Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
