Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
