oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
