just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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