Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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