Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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