i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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