I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
