I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
