Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
