an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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