I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
