two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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