I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
