I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
sex in a hospital.. check
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
