That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
