How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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