i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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