No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
