Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
