glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
