You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
that is very illegal...i love you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
