i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
