My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
