Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
