so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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