Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
