dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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