So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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