he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
