I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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