i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
