Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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