I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
