My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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