I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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