FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize