someone get that fucking seahorse.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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