Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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