A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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