And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
