I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
