it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
