you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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