Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
